Friday, November 2, 2007

Chapter 1 - Part 1

Part 1
The desert mouse sniffed the night air, rising up on two legs. There was a sense of danger in the air. The mouse returned to a crouching posture. The mouse stayed perfectly still. As if a single movement would give it away.
A slight breeze blew across the desert. The clouds that had made there way in after sunset left the desert in complete and utter darkness. The mouse sat completely still and than moved suddenly. The mouse skittered across the desert floor and than came to a sudden stop. Sniffing again in the darkness the mouse again sat completely still.
Bam! A sidewinder hidden under the mouse suddenly sprung from below the desert sand and bit down, sending venom coursing through the veins of the desert mouse. A last squeek and it was over...and the desert was dark and quiet again.
.......
Jeff and Curtis sat in the delapidated old Chevy Nova, just off the desert highway. Jeff puffed on a cigarette, lighting the interior of the car.
"What do you think man?" Curtis said and turned towards Jeff as the embers of the cigarette died away and the car was engulfed in darkness.
"I don't know. What's really killing me is that I know that the guy has the it, and we are so close. So close." Jeff took a last puff and flicked the cigarette out the window.
"We were close", Cutis replied.
Jeff brushed his hair back in frustration and turned coming face to face with Curtis and raising is hand, pointing at Curtis. "We'll get there again man."
"Yeah we had it last night man and fucked it up."
"Don't Mess with me man. It's all about timing and the timing was all off. Trust me man. Last night might have seemed close, but we were as far away as far away can be."
Curtis backed up feeling Jeff's hot, angry, smoker breath. "Man. We had him right in our hands and we didn't pounce."

Jeff sat back on the bucket seat, putting his hands on the wheel. "A snake, hunting at night, has to chose his spots. He's got to conserve and let the prey come to him."
"But what if that time never comes?"
"It will come, it will come." Jeff started the car and the turned the lights on bring the desert to life. In the distance lightning lit the distant bluffs and rain began to fall.
"Smoke?" Jeff gestured towards Curtis with the pack.
"You know I don't smoke man. I'm trying to keep myself pure."
.............
Jessica stood next to her register, smoking. She wiped away her tears. It was a slow night at Bernies Market. This wasn't one of those super, super markets. This was just a small little market in the middle of nowhere.
Where was Kent? He need to count her drawer so she could leave. Tears fell on her cigarette causing it to break. Like she needs this tonight. Her tears became torrents and all of a sudden there almost nothing she could do to hold back her sobs.
Jessica had been rather emotional the last couple weeks. Odd, very odd of Jessica, who had always prided herself on being the pillar of strength. "Huh!", she thought to herself. Who was she kidding? She was always an emotional reck, but tears for her were rare.
"What's wrong?" She started at Kent's voice as it came from just over her shoulder.
"I think you know what is wrong." She patted out another cigarette against her palm and lite it shakily. She wiped away her tears, and put on a proud face. "I'm not playing this game with you now Kent. You know perfectly well." Tear began falling again much to her dismay. "Can you just count my drawer so I can leave already."
Kent's face remained undetered as she turned around. She handed him her cash drawer. Kent went about his counting, not looking up. "You're short."
"Jesus Christ! Like that's a fucking surprise."
"What is it? Tell me? What is it?" She said her voice shaking.
"Your short one hundred dollars."
"You've got to be kidding." She began counting the money herself. "That can't be right."
"I have to get it from somewhere."
Jessica grabbed her purse from the side of the register. "Take it out of my pay", she said heading towards the door, hoping to hold back the torrent of tears that was about to let loose.

3 comments:

TJ said...

Very engaging start, the mouse and the snake was a good way to set a mood and a scene. There was seemingly nothing happening and then instantly the mouse was dead in a flurry of violence. That was especially effective when you transitioned to the next part where two men were in a car, because on the surface they were in the same deserted life less desert but clearly something volatile is in the making. I also like how one part flowed into the next and how you extended the metaphor of the hunting snake. There are a few spelling and grammatical errors, but not too much to take away from the meaning of the story. Over all very exciting start, will read more when I get the time, though that may not be till after my finals.

TJ

TJ said...

Forgot to mention in the first comment the smoking imagery ties the distinct scenes together nicely too. Also tells the reader something about Jessica given the comment: "I want to keep myself pure." If she smokes maybe she is not pure. Maybe that is reading too much in, but I'm an English major thats what we do.

Sean said...

Ha! English Major & Lawyer. English teachers never like me, because of my spelling, but I'm glad you read it as a whole. That is something most English teachers don't do...They get caught up with the errors and it seems they lose their train of thought.
The only thing below an A that I have gotten recently was a B+ from and English teacher. I really tried, but I just couldn't conform to her strict standards.....That's ok, I've probably made 14 grammatical and spelling errors typing this out.
Funny thing is I never remember any of my non-English teachers ever saying anything at all about my spelling or anything else but content.
Thanks for reading! I appreciate it....And I like to share.